The Leader I Was Becoming at 13

Why Understanding People Is at the Heart of Good Leadership

What an old school exercise taught me about individuality, connection and finding meaning at work.

"Show me the child at seven, and I'll show you the adult."

I've always loved the Seven Up! documentary series. The idea of following the same people from childhood into adulthood, watching their lives unfold, their choices, their challenges and the people they become, has always fascinated me.

In fact, I've often wished I'd had that opportunity myself.

To look back at the young girl I was and see how much of her is still part of the woman I've become.

Well, recently, I had a little glimpse.

I was going through some old books I'd kept. Don't ask why I still have them! And tucked away amongst the pages was a piece of writing from my 13-year-old self.

It stopped me.

Not because it was beautifully written. The grammar and punctuation certainly leave something to be desired!

But because of what I was thinking about at 13.

Here's what I wrote.

"Sometimes two people can work at the same job and one could be happy and the other may not be like in an hospital as a nurse one might like her work and think it's great and have a good feeling looking after people and helping people to get better and cheer them up but the other one might think it's messy sometimes dirty and is constantly concerned about catching germs and not be happy so you see something that you or someone else might like may not always be the pleasure of another person.

But if you and the person next to you named all the things you like to do you probably would find something you both like to do and then again you mightn't but there's only one way to find out."

At the bottom of the page, my teacher had written:

"A well written mature response. Well done. 8/10."

Reading it brought tears to my eyes.

Because there I was.

I recognised myself.

Two people. The same job. Two completely different experiences.

What struck me wasn't the example of the nurses, although it's a rather good one for a 13-year-old to choose.

It was the understanding behind it.

Two people can work in the same organisation, perform the same role, have the same manager and experience the same working conditions, yet feel completely differently about their work.

One finds purpose, satisfaction and joy.

The other sees frustration, discomfort or simply a job that needs to be done.

Neither is necessarily right or wrong.

They're different people, with different motivations, different needs and different ways of experiencing the world.

And somehow, at 13, I was already curious about that.

Today, decades later, it's still one of the things that fascinates me most.

What does work mean to you?

Throughout my career, particularly when I've been responsible for leading teams, I've instinctively wanted to understand the person behind the role.

Not simply what they do, but why they do it.

What matters to them?

What gives them satisfaction?

What are they hoping to achieve?

And perhaps most importantly, what part does this job play in the bigger picture of their life?

Because we don't all come to work for the same reasons.

For one person, their career is central to their identity. They want to grow, achieve, be recognised and make a difference.

For another, work provides financial security and the freedom to enjoy the things that matter outside the workplace.

Someone else might be looking for belonging, connection, confidence or the opportunity to discover what they're capable of.

And those motivations can change as life changes.

The person who was ambitious and career-focused five years ago may now have different priorities. The person who was happy simply doing their job may suddenly discover a desire to lead.

We can't assume that what motivates us will motivate the person sitting beside us.

Yet how often do we manage people as though it will?

The problem with treating everyone the same

One of the greatest misunderstandings about fairness in leadership is the belief that everyone should be treated exactly the same.

Of course, everyone deserves respect, opportunity and fairness.

But people don't necessarily need the same things from their leader.

Some thrive with independence and autonomy.

Others value regular conversations, reassurance and feedback.

Some love public recognition. Others would much rather receive a quiet word of appreciation.

And some are motivated by opportunities that another person would find overwhelming or completely uninteresting.

This is why I've always believed that good leadership starts with curiosity.

Not: How do I get this person to do what I want?

But: Who is this person, what matters to them, and how can I help them succeed?

It's a small shift in thinking, but it can fundamentally change the relationship between a leader and their team.

When people feel understood, they're more likely to feel valued. And when people feel valued, we create the conditions for trust, contribution and connection.

Finding what we have in common

There's another part of my childhood writing that I particularly love.

"If you and the person next to you named all the things you like to do you probably would find something you both like to do..."

That sentence makes me smile.

Because even then, I wasn't simply noticing how people were different.

I was looking for what connected them.

And isn't that so much of what leadership is about?

We bring together people with different personalities, experiences, strengths, ambitions and ways of thinking, and somehow we need to help them work towards something together.

The answer isn't to make everyone think alike.

It's to understand and value those differences while finding the common ground that brings people together.

A shared purpose.

A common goal.

An appreciation of what each person contributes.

Sometimes that connection is obvious. Sometimes it takes a little more effort to discover.

But as my 13-year-old self wrote, "there's only one way to find out."

We have to be willing to ask.

And, more importantly, to listen.

Leadership is about the whole person

Years later, I walked into another classroom to study coaching.

By then, I'd been a people manager for many years, recruited and managed more than 100 people, and worked with more psychometric tools than I could count.

But during my coaching studies, I discovered a tool that made absolute sense to me.

When I completed the CliftonStrengths assessment and Individualization appeared in my Top 5 strengths, I understood my own management style in a way I hadn't before.

What had always been described as a collaborative approach was actually something much deeper.

I genuinely believed, and still do, that everyone deserves to be seen, understood and valued for who they are.

And that we need to take the time to do just that.

Individualization is about recognising that people are different. That we each have our own motivations, talents, experiences and ways of approaching the world.

It explained why I'd always been so interested in understanding the people I worked with, rather than simply managing the roles they performed.

And now, looking back at that little piece of writing from when I was 13, I can see that curiosity was there all along.

Today, through The Gold Room, I work with leaders, teams and organisations to improve communication, build trust and create workplaces where people can do their best work.

I use tools such as CliftonStrengths, values exploration and coaching conversations to help people understand themselves and one another.

But the tools are only part of the process.

What matters most is the conversation.

The opportunity to see someone beyond their job title.

To understand what they bring, what they need and what they're capable of becoming.

And to recognise that people don't leave their lives, experiences, aspirations or worries at the door when they arrive at work.

They bring their whole selves.

I've seen what can happen when a leader takes the time to understand those things.

Relationships change. Conversations become more meaningful. People begin to appreciate one another's differences rather than becoming frustrated by them.

And teams can become places where people feel they belong, contribute and grow.

That's the kind of workplace I want to help create.

Perhaps we don't change as much as we think

Finding that little piece of writing has made me reflect on my own journey.

I've spent years studying management, human behaviour, coaching, leadership and organisational development.

I've led large teams, navigated difficult conversations, worked through change and helped people discover strengths they didn't know they had.

I've learnt an enormous amount along the way.

But perhaps the most important thing I've discovered is that the curiosity behind all that work was already there.

A 13-year-old girl wondering why two people could have the same job but experience it so differently.

Wondering what makes people happy.

And wondering how people who are different might find something in common.

I didn't have the language of leadership, employee engagement, motivation or strengths-based development back then.

I was simply interested in people.

And perhaps that's where my approach to leadership really began.

Not in a boardroom, a management course or a coaching qualification.

But in a school exercise, written by a young girl who was already trying to understand the people around her.

More than 50 years later, I'm still asking many of the same questions.

Only now, I get to help leaders and teams explore the answers.

And that feels rather special.

A question for you

Have you ever found something from your childhood that made you realise how much of who you are today was already there?

And for those who lead people, here's another question worth considering:

How well do you really know what matters to the people you lead?

Not just what they're responsible for, or how they're performing.

But who they are, what gives their work meaning and what they hope their future might look like.

Because sometimes the most powerful leadership conversation begins with a very simple question:

What matters to you?

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